Date:
Author: Amy Yau, Senior Lecturer in Marketing, Cardiff University
Original article: https://theconversation.com/boomeranging-why-some-adults-stay-closely-tied-to-their-parents-home-and-how-to-keep-the-peace-242937
Picture this: a man in his forties unpacks his holiday suitcase, only to find an entire rack of lamb and a giant cheese pie carefully tucked in by his mother.
For many adult children, like the participants in our study, the experience of receiving well-meaning but unsolicited parental care is both endearing and exasperating. And it symbolises a deeper tension in modern family dynamics.
Our research sheds light on these tensions, and offers practical strategies for families to navigate these evolving dynamics.
Today, the traditional markers of adulthood – moving out, gaining financial independence and starting a family – are increasingly delayed or unattainable for young adults. The UK’s 2021 census found that 4.9 million adult children (everyone who is considered age 18 and over and a “non-dependent child”) were living with their parents, a 14.7% increase from a decade earlier.
In other cases, adult children remain closely tethered to the parental home, even if living elsewhere, relying on continued support. This phenomenon, often referred to as “boomeranging”, is reshaping the parent-child relationship in profound ways, blurring the boundaries between dependence and independence.
The idea of “flying the nest” as a clear step into adulthood is fast becoming outdated. Rising housing costs, stagnant wages and student debt mean many young adults can’t afford financial independence. At the same time, increased life expectancy enables – and sometimes pressures – parents to provide extended support, from financial help to cooked meals.
In collectivist cultures, which prioritise the needs of a group or society over the needs of the individual, extended parental involvement is often the norm. But even in individualistic societies, the challenges of today’s economy have softened the boundaries between generations. While many adult children appreciate support from parents, it can create blurred lines when it comes to the issue of autonomy. This may lead to relational tensions.
Our research
To explore these tensions, we conducted 17 in-depth interviews and studied photos that the participants had taken of their own situations. We wanted to understand the complexities of adult children living on their own but who had continued support from parents.
We identified four recurring sources of tension in families where adult children rely on ongoing parental support.
First, there is the tension we describe as the “interference gateway”. Acts of care, like financial support or cooking meals, may be interpreted by adult children as subtle attempts by parents to influence their life decisions. This is often perceived as being controlling, and can lead to conflicts over autonomy and independence.
Second, imposed routines and conventions can create friction. Living under the same roof as a parent – or abiding by their rules – often means conforming to established household norms, such as mealtimes or cleaning habits. This can stifle adult children’s ability to form new relationships or establish routines, leaving them feeling restricted.
Third, adult children can feel trapped in a state of limbo when parents are overly involved in meeting their everyday needs, like constantly providing meals. This level of care can leave them feeling infantilised, as though they’ve regressed to being a child again, making it harder to step fully into adulthood.
Fourth, there is the issue of a parent sometimes adopting a “mother knows best” attitude, positioning themselves as the more knowledgeable or experienced party. This can frustrate adult children, leaving them feeling diminished and undervalued.
AJ Pics/Alamy
How to strike a balance
To reduce tension and foster healthier relationships, families can adopt four practical strategies.
1. Disengagement
Adult children can assert their independence by opting out of certain types of parental care, such as refusing unsolicited meals or financial support. While this may cause friction, it can also help establish boundaries.
2. Conditional acceptance
Negotiating boundaries around when and how support is offered can help preserve autonomy while maintaining family bonds. For example, an adult child may agree to accept help with certain expenses but insist on making their own decisions.
3. Normalisation
Using humour to reframe overbearing parental behaviour can defuse tension and foster emotional resilience. For example, adult children may consider certain behaviour as a generational quirk or a cultural expression of care.
4. Reciprocal reinvention
Instead of directly reciprocating parental support – for example, cooking a meal for parents who have strong cooking skills – adult children can offer help in other ways. This may include things like teaching their parents new skills or taking them on outings, for example. This helps to foster a mutual respect and a sense of balance.
The return of adult children to the family home – or their continued reliance on parental support – is reshaping what it means to be an adult in the 21st century. While these arrangements can strain relationships, they also offer opportunities to reimagine traditional roles.
Adulthood, it seems, is no longer a one-time milestone but an evolving process – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.